June 12, 2018 - Visited my hair salon today for both a haircut and hair color consult. I really think I want to make a drastic hair change and start the process of having white hair. I always desire hair change when I'm not content with my image. But, I think too, I'm ready for something different. Jayne said it will put 10 years on me. I have time to decide, but I'm not making a rash decision. I've been wanting different for a while.
Met Betty today for tea and quality conversation. I'm so very grateful for our friendship. She allowed me to process more of my TK experience. I'm a bit unsure about what's going on with me. I'm feeling restless. I want to be busy doing something---shopping---either in store or online. I'm not suicidal. That's a plus. I'm having body image issues, shopping issues and sleeping issues but suicidal ideations are not an issue. Looking forward to my time with my therapist in the morning.
January 1, 2023 - It's the beginning of a new year and I'm feeling stable. I had eleven ECT treatments total in October and November and have been free from suicidal ideations since. Though the suicidal ideations are gone, I remember very clearly the pain that comes with the suicidal ideations. I want to live in freedom. I want to live like my days of suicidal pain are gone forever. ECT has taken pieces of my memory but unfortunately the pain bipolar has brought me is still very much alive. The memories haunt me. I fear the day when the next episode will hit. Maybe 2023 will be a year absent from mental illness handicaps. I pray I experience the complete joy found in having a relationship with Jesus. I have bipolar disorder but I do not define myself by the illness. I am a child of God.
January 9, 2023 - It's been a little over a month since my last ECT treatment. I can't tell you how amazing it feels not to have suicidal thoughts. ECT did what the doctors claimed it would do. It helped tame the suicidal ideations. I'm dealing with some cognitive issues I didn't have pre ECT. The stability comes at a cost. My memory is compromised and my ability to recall words is even more challenged than before treatment. It's tempting to say these issues are normal because I'm getting older. I get that, but it's more noticeable now since ECT. Also, others have suggested that maybe the memory will come back in time. This is true and it's also true that the suicidal thoughts could return in time. I'm choosing to enjoy my peace of mind for now. I will deal with the memory issues in exchange for stability.
Electroconvulsive shock therapy has been like chemo for my mental health. The treatment has some harmful effects, however it has treated a very toxic symptom of my bipolar. It has saved my life for now. Thank you tons for your continued support as I navigate this disease.